Input: A cup of hot, steamin' love.

Output: An unmarked manilla envelope. Contained inside is a single sheet of high-quality paper with a list of self-help websites, local therapists' phone numbers, and one disturbingly intricate drawing of Pikachu wearing a diaper with the caption: "Seek help."

Input: A lost childhood memory.

Output: A putrid corpse arrives at your doorstep, furiously ringing the doorbell. The flesh has rotten that it is impossible to clearly recognize, but before you can take a guess at its identity, it shoves a card in your face and flees into the deep, dark night.

And the card says...

"Merry pringles"

Input: Dr. Pepper